Last night I made the mistake of agreeing to go and see the final instalment of the Twilight Saga with friends. I had $25 to last me until Monday, so I really hoped that spending $14.50 on this film would be worth it. Now I'm not implying that I wasn't obsessed with the franchise when I was in year 8/9. I am not implying that I regret watching the first film eight times (yes, eight...#noregrets). But wow. This film. It was so bad. As in so, so bad. Let's deconstruct, shall we? (Spoilers alert-shame on you though if you care)
-The random opening sequence: The film opens with a random collection of tacky helicopter shots over mountains and rivers. It tries to be artsy by tinting these images in red and white, but ends up looking like the videos I used to make with heaps of random effects when I was fourteen.
-How their kid was conceived: Edward has been 'frozen' for a hundred years. He doesn't BREATHE, his heart doesn't beat and his blood does not circulate. Even though I had read the books, it only occured to me that this child's existence is LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE. No, I did not do science in senior high school but STEPHANIE MEYER WHY WOULD YOU NOT RECOGNISE THE STUPIDITY OF THE CREATION OF THIS CHILD? Moreover, throughout the majority of the film, Edward just blabs on and on about how she is "half mortal, half immortal". Mate, you realise that doesn't even make sense?
-The acting: It was most as if they were making fun of themselves. I love Michael Sheen, but his performance as the 'evil vampire' literally had me in tears. Tears as a result of both laughter and excessive cringing. His creepy "BEELL-AAAAHHHH" and subsequent evil laugh at the end of the film had me laughing with stitches coming in waves. Also, Edward and Bella are just dead-pan throughout the entire duration of the film. You'd think that they could afford to spend a small portion of their $43849328403 million salaries on acting classes.
-The costumes: The wigs looked like the ones you try on at the Easter Show (Rosalie's in particular). Also, the costume of one of the random visiting vampires, (who was 'Amazonian') looked like it had been picked up from the $2 shop near my house-perhaps a costume called "Adult Pocahontas Halloween-Female". Oh, and her hair and make up just made her look like Tyra Banks. SMILE WIT UR EYEZ.
-The random/awkward sex scene: I think "random/awkward sex scene" says it all to be honest. The dialogue was just the cherry on the cake.
Bella: Edward, why is there a bed? Vampires don't sleep
Edward: The bed isn't made for sleeping....eh eh eh
-The 'mind-fuck' bit near the end of the film: You won't understand what I'm talking about until you've seen it (which I advise you not to), but there's a moment at the end that is basically a random movie version of ''and then I woke up and it was all a dream". Yes, when it happened I was like WHAAT. But then it was obvious that they only did it to make the film movie-length/fulfill the budget. So unnecessary..
-That first hunting scene: Sorry, what? The whole time I was watching that scene I was cringing so hard that it felt like my stomach was eating itself. Kirsten Stewart pretending that she is a blood-thirsty newborn vampire is really a sight to see. Almost makes the $14.50 worth it. Almost.
-The storyline: When I came out of the movie, my first thought after "Where can I get a refund" was "what even happened?". Bella woke up, went for that weird-ass hunt, and then the rest of the film is them awkwardly waiting around for the Volturi to come. When they EVENTUALLY come, they are just like "peace out everyone be friends"....and then that's the end of the movie.
IN OTHER NEWS:1. I have three more exams left and cannot WAIT for them to be over. Marketing and media x2, COME AT ME
2. I have been re-reading old blog posts which is an exceptional form of procrastination
3. Counting down the days until Coldplay on Sunday night (yes, I got my ticket back. Long story)
5. Having a series of awesome baths. I have a new routine where I make it burning hot, add bubble bath liquid, turn off the lights, burn Mum's amazing Glasshouse candle, and eat chocolate mousse. Kind of gets me through all this study.
Hope you are all splendid,
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